You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
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Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Me irl
Easy enough.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
I think the cat got the dog high.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?