I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
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My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.