Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
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i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.