Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
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My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.