My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
This guy at the grocery store told me he had an extra container of Clorox wipes in his car, I almost fell for it.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Went to bed with a can of pringles, woke up and finished them.
Always finish what you start.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.
I got 4 hours of sleep.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?