2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
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WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
shit just got real
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.