I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
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HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.