My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
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Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Did my cat write this
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Every house has this drawer
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind