Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
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Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.