Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
You Might Also Like
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.