Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
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With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.