Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
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i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
The police never think its as funny as you do.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
accurate
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.