Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
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playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.