(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
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wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
me hitting on a model
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
“what’s it like having a sister?”
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.