football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
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Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*