Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
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Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.