“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
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Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.