ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
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me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
lol
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Happy Febuary everyone!
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh