[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
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I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Think I pulled my liver
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire