Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
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Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe