How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
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Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
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