Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
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Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Happy thanksgiving
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.