if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
You Might Also Like
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
*pronounces fake like saké*
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.