@FeelingEuphoric

people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service

@FeelingEuphoric

honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner

@FeelingEuphoric

[to the tune of little drummer boy]

baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo

@FeelingEuphoric

ME: where’s Jim

GUY: your guess is as good as mi—

ME: the moon

GUY: ok no

@FeelingEuphoric

Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly

@FeelingEuphoric

two months from now, toilet paper still remains out of stock. the people begin to riot. the charmin bears perch upon their mountain of wealth, watching humanity suffer

@FeelingEuphoric

DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea

@FeelingEuphoric

please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody