@FeelingEuphoric

Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly

@FeelingEuphoric

two months from now, toilet paper still remains out of stock. the people begin to riot. the charmin bears perch upon their mountain of wealth, watching humanity suffer

@FeelingEuphoric

DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea

@FeelingEuphoric

please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody

@FeelingEuphoric

PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school

@FeelingEuphoric

GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale

WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point

@FeelingEuphoric

“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon

@FeelingEuphoric

MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*

@FeelingEuphoric

GUY: I think I’m done eating

ME: did you need a to-go box?

DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that