Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
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Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?