As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
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You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?