Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
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The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.