Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
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WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
same bro
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…