Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
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Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
*ernest hemingway voice*