I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
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earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.