HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
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There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
inside you are two wolves
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house