I would give up shouting at trees for you.
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Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though