when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
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I have never heard an armadillo before.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.