Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
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If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards