Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
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My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco