If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
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*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
🙅🏻
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry