Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
You Might Also Like
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Rambo Rambow
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree