But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
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Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.