Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
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lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Our lord and savoury.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?