3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
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I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
OMG 🤣🤣
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today