The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
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It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
😂😂😂