Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
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Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Somebody call the cops.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.