My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
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If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me