These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
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When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Extremely relatable.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.