Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
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[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.