When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
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Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Is your wife single?
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”