If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
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Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Me My dog