Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
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Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Netflix: We have Less
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”