Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
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Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good