Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
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[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
found this cool rock hiking today
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.