My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.